08.15.08 - 03:31

so this morning I took a bunch of Advil LiquidGels after waking up in pain just short of screaming. This isn't really a big deal to anyone but me. Just because I've been trying not to take any meds for awhile now never seem to get very far with it and it's really pointless considering the amount of chemicals a caffeine I put in my body on a regular basis. So right now I'm at that point where I want to get really fucked up.

At least as fucked up as I could get and just go with it. I know that somewhere in my head is a ton of shit just beyond the surface dying to get out. I just can't get to it. Just want to try for a week, I couldn't do anything serious cause I've never done anything serious and god knows how I'd react... tho some of the minor shit is rated less toxic then aspirin. It's like Katt Williams' rant on Weed. The only real problem is that it has varying effects. Though maybe it fits into my no medication thing better then Advil ever will. 'Ego death' interests me, because I don't want to get fucked up for the hell of it I figure that it could serve a purpose I mean it did for a long time before now. Of course then you gotta take the good with the bad because in studies while many people have reported increased well-being and satisfaction some of those same people also reported paranoia.. but the concept of shit like 'Universal Unity" this is something I believe in. That somewhere beyond us, beyond our mundane, small close minded perceptions we are connected. I just want to try and detach from what I am in this way and the way I perceive things. To see things from another perspective with it laid out within my grasp while holding onto that invisible tether until I come back here.

She'd kill me of course. It'd never happen because she wouldn't let it. And I never did cause I'm too much of a pussy. And now, because she doesn't understand 'Don't read as I'm writing she's harassing me "Promise me you won't do drugs". I just wanna sit in my room with a pen n' a pad fucked outta my head and see what shakes loose. Could it really hurt? I don't believe I possess an addictive personality, I could of course be wrong. Maybe it's just what I need, but, we'll never know, because that'd be the end of world that's so perfectly planned out.

I'm just a little bitter. Fuck It, I'm out.

Two Steps Back - One Step Forward